Living in the Moment with Your Teen

Do you have a teenager at home?  Same here.  During this first year of the teenager phase, it has seemed harder and harder to connect and find new ways to "be a parent" to him.  The sad truth is that beyond being a taxi driver to them, they just don't need us that much anymore.  Think of the baby ages and toddler ages and they quality time and conversation spent while doing those basic activities to keep them alive....feeding them, bathing them, dressing them, keeping them safe.  While it was work and the job of us parents, it was also quality time spent together talking, communicating and getting to know them.  

Fast forward to year 13 and those mundane parenting jobs are now obsolete.  They no longer need us for these basic needs as they are full functioning teenagers.  Other than time in the car, we have lost that easy communication that used to come so naturally.  If your teen is anything like mine, they come home, grab a snack and lock themselves in their room until it is time to eat again.  So....when is it exactly that we are supposed to bond, communicate and continue this wonderful relationship we have had for the past 13 years?  It is not easy and it is not perfect, but I have started to pick away at the problem little by little with a few changes.

1. My husband bought a ginormous beanbag chair that is "his chair" in my son's bedroom.  This was not brought in with enthusiasm from my son (to say the least), but now it is an ongoing joke about what they want to do when they are hanging out in "their room."  For 30 minutes a day at least, this simple act has opened the door (quite literally) to my husband having access to our child again!  Whether they just watch a game in silence or talk through the day or the upcoming weekend, this small gesture has opened the lines of communication that had begun to fade away.  He knows when we come in and sit in the beanbag chair, he might as well know we are staying for a while.
2. The best thing I ever did was introduce my son to American Mahjong.  I never learned how to play chess or several of the games he enjoyed which were all strategy games.  He wasn't much interested in the games we used to play (that were more on my level).  Then, the day I learned Mahjong, I immediately knew that I had found something I could do with him.  Teaching him the game was hours of quality time right from the start, but now we have something we can play together every night.  Maybe we only play one round, but that's still 20 minutes of time that I get back.  Other nights, like with the National Mahjong League card comes out, we might play for hours at a time.  The game has truly opened the door for us to share a common bond, sit at the same table and talk and laugh on a daily basis.  In fact, this was the inspiration behind the idea for Mini Mahjer.  We wanted to make it easy for all parents to share this joy with their children.  Also, for these minutes or hours or however long the moment lasts, he is taken away from screens, taken away from the outside world and just living in the moment we are in.
3. For his 13th birthday, I had no idea what to do to celebrate him.  There were no gifts he wanted, no desire to have a party, etc.  It was looking to be a very non-eventful birthday.  With this in mind and the fact that our relationship seemed to be thinning, I planned a trip for the two of us.  Just the two of us.  I surprised him with Washington D.C. because neither of us had ever been.  However, this doesn't have to be a trip - it can be dinner or any outing with just the two of you.  I was admittedly nervous leading up to the trip.  What if he thought it was boring?  What would we talk about?  Was he looking forward to this or dreading it?  In fact, I was so worried about it that, last minute, I purchased outrageously priced tickets to a Washington Wizards basketball game.  I figured, if all else fails, he has really good seats to an NBA game.  As soon as our time together started, all of this anxiety faded away.  We had to best time together, we talked about everything from us, to friends, to his future.  He learned more about me and I surely learned so much about him.  I realized on this trip, it isn't the lack of desire to communicate that is the problem.  It is the lack of opportunity.  If you create the opportunity with your teenager, I truly believe their desire to share with you and grow your relationship will be evident.  

I'm certainly no parenting expert and certainly don't have it all figured out.  I don't think anyone really does.  I do hope these three small things might help someone else who is desperately wanting to re-open that door with their teenager.